Guacamole

Recently, I had a run-in with Cheesecake Factory and their "made-to-order" guacamole. Namely that it's not made to order at all--the two ingredients are avocado and pico de gallo, which means any food sensitivity needs will leave you with a bowl of mashed avo. Seriously. No salt, no lime juice, not even on the side.

When we got home that day, my mom decided to procure some avocado of our own. They were on sale--10 for $10--so naturally she walked away with 10 avos.

Today was that magical day when avocados decide to be edible for a whole 12 hours, so I scooped those puppies and made my own guacamole.

I used to put some tomato in there, but obvs that won't work anymore.

Stupid solanines.

Nothing to see here. Except, of course, for divine guac. 

Notcher Supermarket Guac
serves 2-4

2 avocados, pitted and smashed
1/2 small sweet onion or red onion, minced
1 small clove garlic
juice of 1 small lime
chopped cilantro to taste unless you were cursed with the soapy-cilantro gene, in which case I haz a sad for you

Throw all this in a bowl, salt it to taste, and you haz guac. It's stupid easy to do and whips up in no time. How much cilantro you use is up to you. For a single-double serving like this, I'll pull a couple of stalks away from the bunch and chop those up to the point that the leaves stop on the stalk. In the case of the gigantic bowl I made with 10 avos, I used the whole bunch and might have used more if I could (I lurves the cilantros).

I used to eat homemade salsa for a meal, so the guac will have to suffice from now on. Le sigh.

Coooooorn!

Do you love corn? I love corn.

Here's my favorite corn, adapted from my mom's recipe because she can eat nightshades and I can't.

It's motherfucking corn, y'all!

The Best Grilled Corn[house] in Texas
Serves 4

4 ears corn, shucked
1 tbsp vegetable oil (olive is my preference, yo)
Juice of 1 lemon or lime (whatever you have on hand; I prefer lemon)
2 tsp sumac
salt & pepper to taste
optional: if you can do nightshades, add a pinch of cayenne powder

This is stupid hard, y'all. Ready? Throw all this in a large Ziploc bag and let it marinate for at least 30 minutes. Best is all day. Throw it in the fridge, rock out at work, and then it's ready to go. If you're around, you can swish that shit around in the juices if you like. But it's not necessary.

To cook: Throw it on the grill with yer portabellos or whatever you're grilling. Takes about 10 minutes, depending on the temp you're using. Look for the corn to brown in a few spots, and it's ready.

Seriously, this shit is so good, my mother (who has a serious problem--she'll ask for a extra side of butter at IHOP for her pancakes, no fucking lie) won't butter it. SHE WON'T BUTTER THE CORN, PEOPLE. This shit is for real.

The cayenne can add a serious pop if you go above and beyond with the pinching, but if you keep it down to that pinch, it only adds a zing. It's not spicy at all. You'll leave the marinade in the bag when you throw the corn on the grill, so it's not like you're ingesting a ton of cayenne.

Jackfruit Chick'n and Rice

No photos--sorry! I totally forgot to grab my camera before serving, and it was devoured by my omni family members. I suppose that's a good thing, though... ETA I lied. Leftovers!

Of course it's colorless. It's chik'n and rice, ffs.

Recipe!

Jackfruit Chick'n and Rice
serves 6 (leftovers, bitches!)
Free of gluten, soy, flesh, dairy, eggs, nuts, nightshades

Ingredients:
1 can jackfruit in brine, drained and rinsed
1 cube vegan chicken bouillon (I rec Edward & Sons Not Chicken)
1 small sweet onion (like Vidalia), chopped
4-5 celery hearts, chopped
1 clove garlic
1-2tsp oil (olive, canola, whatever you can handle)
2 c jasmine rice
1 tsp ground mustard (the spice, not the condiment)
1 tbsp poultry seasoning
A shit ton of water
Pinch of salt and pepper to taste

Instructions:

In a medium pot, dump the jackfruit and the bouillon cube, and fill with water until the jackfruit is covered. Pop that on the stove and let it boil. It'll need about 30 minutes to an hour to soften. You can cut the wedges into smaller pieces to expedite this.

While the jackfruit is getting its flavor and texture, heat the oil in a skillet and add the onion. Saute until it's getting to that translucent point, and add the garlic clove, salt, and pepper. Stir for another 30 seconds and then dump the contents in the jackfruit pot. Put the celery in the skillet and saute until it softens a hair, then toss the mustard in there and let it really soak up the win. Or, you know, mix it all together and let the mustard get all warm and groovy. Then toss that shit in the jackfruit pot, too.

Let the pot boil (covered) until the jackfruit is starting to shred. The water level should remain just covering the contents. Add more if necessary. After the shredding begins, dump the jasmine rice and poultry seasoning in there and give it a good stir to keep from clumping. Add another 4 cups of water. If you want a super chicken flavor, you can add another bouillon cube, but I didn't find it necessary. Reduce the heat to a simmer.

It'll take 15-20 minutes to cook. It's done when the water is mostly absorbed. You can add more water and cook it longer to get that creamy texture popular in Southern chicken and rice--you know, where the rice is basically two minutes from mush and the chicken has broken down so much, there's a piece of corpse in every bite--or you can go ahead and nosh. We noshed. It was fine.



Enjoy!